It happened, my friend. At 7pm (Central), my grandfather passed away. i'll be scarce for a while as i am making myself involved in the grieving process and making myself available for my grandmother for any reason. Chances are, she'll sell their house (which they have had since right after i was born) and move into a condo or a small apartment that would (1) be more manageable for her and (2) not remind her as much of her 54 year long friend/spouse. So, that's that.
On a good note, i did well at work today. Even though i have been there for about two weeks, i have started getting the “better” positions/tables…which is good. Also, i now average 18% tip per table (which is pretty good). One of the waitresses got a $100 tip from one table. She was quite ecstatic…(and with her identical twin next to her, she was beside herself!).
i'm off to bed…i've been up waaay too long today with too much on my mind…i'm tired. Guten Nacht.
Monthly Archive for May, 2004
Yeah, Hospice. If you don't know what Hospice is, let me tell you…Hospice is a health organization that only steps into patient care when the patient has less than three months left to live…with 100% certainty. Basically what happens is, is that the patient has reached a point in his health care that nothing else can be done to prolong life and the patient is given the choice to remain in the hospital (in ICU) where the experts can't prevent the inevitable or to go home and be given a bed, oxygen, etc where the amateurs can't prevent the inevitable. Friday afternoon, my grandfather was brought home by Hospice. They give him one to two weeks…tops. Dialysis is no longer an option; his liver and kidneys are completely shot. They said quite frankly that they don't expect him to live longer than a few days because of the accumulation of toxins in the body. His entire family is going to visit him tomorrow and let his last few days be as calm and peaceful as possible. What does one do knowing that death is coming in the next few days? How does one live? i find that to be quite appalling. Of course, my grandmother, my great-grandmother (grandfather's mom), my great-uncles (grandfather's brothers) my father, and my uncle will take it the hardest because they are his immediate family. My great-grandmother has to bury her son now (she already buried her husband)…That must be weighing tremendously on her. How does one live knowing that (s)he at 93 will have to bury his/her son? That must be really difficult. My grandmother has come to acceptance of the fact, but that won't make the grieving any easier when the time comes. Same with my father and his brother. i know that in my case, i was close to my grandfather…not quite a son, but not simply a grandson and i know that when that day comes (in the next week or so), i will grieve…somewhat normally because i see my grandfather at peace with everything (which is what is giving me strength through these days right now), but i still break down and sob. This journal right here is also something that helps me to collect my thoughts are reflect on things without holding things in. Sometimes, i just don't know what to do or what to think…i normally know what should be, but in this case, the rules and teachings and sayings are out the window. i don't see this as a reflection of the Problem of Evil nor as something God is causing. The thing i find myself questioning is: “Does God 'allow' people into heaven that did not say a handful of words known as the sinners prayer or does he do it on the basis of one's lifestyle and choices, regardless of the words spoken?” i have heard of people dying screaming and kicking because they say demons, but i see my grandfather so peacefully resting watching the Food Network (even though he can't eat any of it). One regret i currently have is not being able to cook more meals with him. i started doing it about twice a month for the last few months, but with all the hospitalizations, finals, job hunting, etc, i've been putting it aside until later, but now, i can't make anything that he can eat. i just don't know right now.
Some notes on free television programs (the ones that come one without paying for cable and not getting cable illegally):
(1) Female soap opera actors overact. It's pathetic.
(2) The only daytime shows are: soaps, paid programs (read: lond advertisements), talk shows (judge ______ shows fall in this category), and dating shows. That's it.
(3) They all suck.
(4) Hardcore porn has better plotlines and plot twists than soaps.
(5) PBS for Kids (Teletubbies, Clifford the Big Red Dog, etc) is more interesting.
(6) Television is not spongeworthy (and if you get this reference, my props)
In the rest of my day, i finally visited my grandfather. i think he's getting close to dying. i'm not even sure if he'll make it out of the hospital again. He's awake and alert and talkative, etc, but the problems just keep piling up. So far, two of his veins have burst around his esophagus (and these have been fixed). The doctors say that if another bursts, they'll have to put a stint in him…and there's no guarantee, nor is there a good chance of sruvival because he's so high risk. He's becoming delusional now…either because of ICU Dementia or his last days…we can't tell because he's in ICU. The good thing is that he is at peace with everything. He's ok with dying now. That's a big relief for me because the last time he was in the hospital (3 weeks ago), he was so afraid of death, it was frightening. “Forged in fires of human passion, choking on the fumes of selfish rage…with these our hells and our heavens–so few inches apart–we must be awfully small and not as strong as we think we are.” i think that about nails it on the head, Mr. Mullins. “When you love, you walk on the water just don't stumble on the waves. We all want to go there somethin' awful, but to stand there it takes some grace 'cause oh, we are not as strong as we think we are.” Heh…i think Rich Mullins knew the human condition only too well. Every song of his just seems to nail it on the head. He may be one of the least recognized philosophers (if even one), but his words ring dead-on.
Woohoo! After checking my grades, i made the Dean's List (again). So far, i'm 3 for 4 (last semester i missed it by one grade…but considering i had 21 hours and renovated a house, it was an acceptable loss). Off to bed!
Wow. That was not for the faint of stomach. Although i did not understand 75% of the video (as it was one Arabic male reading a really long letter in Arabic), it was nonetheless gruesome. One viewing is all that is necessary. Now, i do want to admit that some parts seemed scripted (or at least well-rehearsed), but it definitely seemed real.
Ha, now the irony is this: after watching the video and nearly wanting to go puke, i'm going to bed. No change in emotion. i have been desensitized to a recording of a real-life beheading. i'l go to my bed, lay down, and go to sleep. As if nothing happened. It's not important. i'm safe back at home in my bed with my A/C and electricity. That's it. Nobody really cares (even though they may scream real loudly of the atrocity). We all go about our day-to-day routines as if nothing happened because, due to our desensitization, nothing happened. How sad.
